Is it over?

I’ve been so busy with work and shit to write anything so I decided to give myself 10 minutes to let out all my thoughts and assertions that I have been bottling inside. I really need to let my words erupt and flow out like lava.

I’m depressed. Like majorly, bipolarly, constantly low with a hint of high, no signs of changing, want to kill myself, crying all the time, hurting continually, feeling numb type of depression. I keep thinking to myself, would I be better off dead? And then I think of ways that I would do it, how people would react, what the impact would be etc. Then I think of all the things I’d miss out on which lead me to not do it.

But then I go back to remembering all the shit going on and all the shit in my life; the vermin, the demons, the evil, the nasty disgusting cretins that continuously bring me down and bring negativity into my life. And that’s when I think of suicide again. It’s like a vicious never-ending cycle. Like a rollercoaster that won’t stop in which I’m being tossed and turned, going through all the hoops and loops, going upside down, around and around, up and down, repetitively.

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I can’t see the light. I can’t see the rainbow. I can’t hold on to hope or to faith. I can’t wait anymore. I can’t be patient anymore. I need something NOW. I need a change NOW. I just can’t do this anymore and I have no idea what to do. It’s like I’ve completely given up and I have no one to confide in or confess to.

 

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