Blur

Blurred words and floating letters. I just can’t focus. I stare at the numbers moving across the screen as if it’s some sort of complicated coded sequence that NASA should be decrypting. It’s not – it’s simply the expenses report that I’m working on for a client. But none of it makes sense to me, not because the numbers don’t add up but I just don’t care, to put it blunt. My mind keeps wandering elsewhere, to pastures unknown.

What would happen if I was to go through with it? How would people react? What would the aftermath be? Would people cry for a few days and then forget? Would they mourn for months on end? Why do I even care about that? What would happen if I was to commit suicide? I really want to. I just don’t see the point anymore. Why am I here? Why am I suffering silently? Why is shit not getting better no matter how hard I try? I’m just over it, I say to myself as I’m thoughtlessly punching numbers into my keyboard.

Today is actually a better day. Yes, I’m pissed off, and angry, bitter, sad, numb. Yes, I had another go at my poor innocent nephew who seems to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I’m not quite as severe today as normal. Is that good? I actually felt some remorse rather than feeling completely numb.

Usually after an episode, I’d have just carried on as if nothing happened but today, I didn’t. Today I stopped the car on my way to work, after dropping him off at school, and took a few minutes to breathe and reflect. An epiphany; I shouldn’t have shouted at him. I shouldn’t have berated him. I should apologise, and I will. It’s not his fault I can’t drive properly and it’s not his fault I was running late. It’s not his fault.

Currently counting down the seconds and minutes until work is over for the day. Another day on repeat, I’m so over this mundane repetitive bullshit. I’m not a fucking robot so why is my life on loop, doing the same shit over and over. Get up; wash; go to work; lunch; back to work; home; eat; shower; sleep; repeat. No friends. No socialising. No break or deviation from the norm.

It’s like that episode in Charmed where Prue and Balthazar (God he was fine!), travel back in time to another dimension where they are stuck in loop because the souls are restless and need closure about something. After deliberating and investigating, Prue and Hottie realise what’s up and correct the wrong. I need to do that; I need to correct my wrongs and maybe then I will start to get better? But what if it doesn’t work like that?

Sylvia Plath once said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that to conquer your fear you must own it; “I know the bottom and I do not fear it because I’ve been there”. I’ve been there too but I don’t truly know what I’m afraid of because I’m just afraid. How can I conquer something that I myself do not fully understand?

All I know is that my head is full of darkness and gloom and I’m not even sure if I have hope for any rays of light to penetrate through. I had hope, but slowly the darkness consumed it and took over. In my story, the Empire struck back and won. In my story, Voldemort defeated Harry. In my story, Trump is president.

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