Day 4

Day 4:

I should have kept a diary from the moment I started taking fluoxetine but oh well. I’ve been prescribed with a month’s supply of 20mg Fluoxetine, of which I’m to take one a day.

It’s still too early to tell if it’s made a difference but I must say, since going to the doctor I feel worse. Yesterday, especially, I just felt incredibly numb and was contemplating what suicide would be like. It’s like my head was driving in the fog and the lights were inefficiously useless.

I went to the doctor on Monday and had a chat about depression. I told her how I had been feeling and about a recent bust up with the family that, emotionally, sent me off the rails. I had been hopeful about this appointment for so long and requested this doctor specifically. However, it didn’t go as I had expected. I felt like she was judging me and felt patronised. For example, she asked if I was working where I’m working and she said “Oh come on, you’re 27!” in such a rude “you should have your shit together by now” way.

Just a quick background; I went to her about 3 years ago, with the same issue and we sort of reached the conclusion that my job was a main factor in my depression. We discussed other options and what I would like to do. She encouraged me to do what I wanted to do and not do what my parents made me do. Anyway, after some therapy and about 6 months of treatment we thought we’d beaten it. I was taken off the pills and no longer had to go in for a review. This turned out to be a mistake as I’ve been suffering silently until now.

So, I had been hopeful that we could carry on where we left off but then she said “you’re 27”. Maybe I’m being sensitive but when you’re depressed, it doesn’t matter how old you are or whatever. You can’t think straight, you don’t know what’s right and if you do, you don’t know how to act on it. It’s completely debilitating, which as a professional doctor, she should know. That one line made me feel even shitter than I already did.

Don’t you think I know I’m 27? Don’t you think I know that at my age things should be different for me? Don’t you think I know that I’ve wasted the last 7 years in a job that I absolutely hate with absolutely no hope of getting out of it because of my illness?

And it’s not as if I haven’t tried to find a new job or whatever. I have applied to over 500 jobs and only ever received 3 interviews of which I never got the job. What kind of effect would so much rejection have on a person? The constant “we don’t want you” or “we found someone better” being flurried across my face every day. Every day I’d get an email, “We regret to inform you…”, and that’s if I even got an email at all. It doesn’t help.

This depression has slowly chipped away at my confidence, self-esteem and I’m a complete shadow of my former self. I was watching a home movie the other day and I saw a shy but poised boy that didn’t take shit and fought for what he wanted. Where did he go? What happened to him? Where did it all go wrong?

No one gets it.


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