Day 8 – Ready to Burst

My head hurts so much, I feel like it’s going to burst. It’s just pulsating so much and I can’t help but lay it down to rest at work.

I can barely keep my eyes open; they sting when they’re closed and burn when they’re not. My face feels slightly puffy around the eyes. My neck still aches from Saturdays concert where I was looking towards the stage at a weird angle. I feel like all I’ve done is sleep yet my body satiates for more.

I’m completely shattered yet throughout the day I get these random bursts of energy which come and go like a supposed saviour to a damsel in distress on a long, isolated stretch of country road in the middle of nowhere. I just wish putting my finger out for a ride would work. “Stop, come back” I cry, desperately, like Kate in the sub-zero Atlantic abyss.

I had my first “therapy” session or rather Active Monitoring as it’s called. She had me fill in a questionnaire that asked me on a scale of 1-5 how I was feeling, if I was suicidal and so on; the typical depression questionnaire. I’ll probably talk more about this in another blog post later.

We had a lengthy discussion about things but it was more so her trying to gain more information about what I’m feeling and what help I would like. She gave me some pamphlets to read and has also given me an activity to complete by the next session.

Is my medication working? I’m not sure but I still think it’s too soon to tell. It’s only been a week? These things take time, which I must keep reminding myself. There is no instant fix but I’m allowed to take twice as long to untangle my life as it took to fuck it up. We’re all works in progress and I would still have things to work on whether I was depressed or not. It just hits me more severe than others – and that’s OK. It’ll take time.

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